The Youngest Oldest Summoner In the World
by Laziness Incarnate
Summary: Summary: Rydia's life is not the most chronologically logical. A silly account of Rydia's growing up in FFIV and not growing old in FFIV: The After Years. The spiritual successor to my other fic "Do Not Talk to Mountains (They Talk Back)."


**The Youngest Oldest Summoner In the World**

 _The Village of Mist, upon the arrival of two Baronion patsies_

"We are getting owned by a tiny green-haired child," said Kain.

"We are two Baronion patsies," said Cecil.

"I'll kill you all," said Rydia.

" _RAAARRRGGHHH_ ," said Titan.

\- 0 – 0 -

 _Damcyan, after a spoony bard gets yelled at by everyone_

"Are you actually five years old," said Cecil.

Rydia pouted. "I'm still stronger than Edward."

Edward cried.

\- 0 – 0 -

 _The entrance to the Feymarch, three weeks later_

"I'm going to train you to become much, much stronger," said Leviathan, "so you can help your friends save the world."

"Cool," said Rydia.

"It'll take years and years of hard work."

"I don't think I have that much time."

"Trust me, you do."

"I hope you didn't accidentally kill all my friends when you picked me up."

"Trust me, they're fine."

Edward cried.

\- 0 – 0 -

 _Giott's Castle, after the battle with Golbez_

"Rydia, you saved us!" Cecil coughed up blood. "It would have been great if you'd come back earlier though."

"Man, that battle was hard," said Cid. "Those stupid dolls, man. And then that stupid Golbez with his stupid black dragon. Man."

Yang could not answer on account of being dead, or at least swooned.

Rosa gave her young friend the old once-over. "Rydia, you look all grown up! How old are you now?"

Rydia tilted her head to the side. "I have no idea."

"It's only been five weeks since I saw you. How much time passed for you?"

"A mysterious amount?"

Rosa eyed the flimsy material of Rydia's bodice, and the curves not-very-well-hidden beneath. "I can see that."

Kain blushed.

\- 0 – 0 -

 _A dank and dirty cave, one month later_

"Heeeeeeeey, little lady," said Prince Edge of Eblan.

"You know she's technically five years old," said Cecil.

\- 0 – 0 -

 _The moon, two months later_

"Great job, everyone!" said Cecil. "We saved the world from hatred."

"Bye," said Golbez.

"Are you going to say goodbye to your brother, Cecil?" asked Rosa.

Cecil coughed. "All right, time to go home."

As Golbez stood around awkwardly, Rydia asked, "Can you drop me off at the Feymarch on the way back?"

"Uh? So soon?" said Cecil "I was thinking of heading to Baron, maybe pick up Yang and Edward on the way, have a kingly party..."

"But years and years are passing in the Feymarch!" Rydia wrung her hands. "At this rate, my friends down there are going to pass away (well, the non-immortal ones are) before I get a chance to see them again!"

Cecil hung his head in disappointment. "Well, okay. You're going to miss an amazing party."

"Waaaah," said Edge.

\- 0 – 0 -

 _Baron, one week later_

Rosa grumbled as she rinsed out yet another ale tankard. You'd think a future queen wouldn't have to pick up after her future king, but nooooo, he just had to invite a bunch of other future kings to party with him...

Was it so much to ask to have _one_ female friend? She missed Rydia. Rydia was a good companion, even if she was a bit younger...

...or was she?

Rosa swore and dropped the tankard.

\- 0 – 0 -

 _The Feymarch, a mysterious amount of time later_

"Message for you, lady Rydia!"

"Thanks," she said, taking the letter from the chocobo's beak.

"By the way," the chocobo chirped, "the man who brought it is lying by the town entrance, dying."

"He's lying by the town entrance _dead_ ," clicked a nearby arachne. "On an unrelated note, do I have any bone splinters in my mandibles?"

"Guess he didn't have a float spell," said Rydia, distracted by the saliva-drenched letter in her hands. "I can't read this at all."

"I'm sure it's not important." The arachne was already creeping back into the shadows. "Otherwise they would have sent a sturdier messenger."

"Yeah," Rydia agreed, tossing the letter into a pool of magma. "Anyway, I'm sure they'll send another one soon."

\- 0 – 0 -

 _The Feymarch, an even more mysterious amount of time later_

"A message, Rydia!" This time it was a young goblin who handed over the letter, which was covered in claw marks but otherwise readable.

"Huh," said Rydia, opening up the envelope. "Been a while since I got one of these."

 _My dearest Rydia,_

 _How are you? I hope everything is all right. I guess you didn't receive my last letter. Anyway, we are doing well up here. Cecil has asked for my hand in marriage and we are to be wed next month, on the morning of the new moon. Please come join us for the celebration. Or better yet, come now. Right this instant. We hope you have not turned into an old lady down there. Ha ha. No seriously. Come back soon, please._

 _Rosa_

"Huh," said Rydia. "I guess I should go visit."

The goblin's face fell. "Oh no! Don't go for too long!"

"I won't, Fqhwgz." She picked up the goblin and spun him around. "I'm sure a wedding won't take _too_ long."

\- 0 – 0 -

 _Baron, on the morning of the new moon_

"Hi," said Rydia to the newly crowned king and queen. "Congrats!"

"Thanks!" said Cecil.

"Thank you," said Rosa. "We're so glad you were able to make it. You came a long way."

Rydia smiled. "Anything for you two."

As their friend walked away Rosa murmured, "Is she taller than me now?"

"I think it's the heels."

"Even if it is, it doesn't make me happy."

"I'll get you some taller heels," said Cecil.

"You're not getting the point."

Cecil ordered a servant to fetch some higher heels for his royal bride. Rosa tripped during the first royal dance, pulling the king down with her.

\- 0 – 0 -

 _Baron, five minutes later_

"Heeeeey, little lady." Edge frowned, squinting blearily. It was possible he was already drunk. "Is that a grey hair? It's not one of mine, is it? We didn't even make out."

"Sorry, got to go," said Rydia, slinking away.

"Heeeey!" Edge blurted. "Don't leave so soon!"

She pointed at Prince Edward, who was plucking at his harp morosely. (Maybe today was giving him flashbacks to his own...aborted wedding.) "Look over there, it's a spoony bard! You can probably get a throwing spoon from him!"

"Huh? Really? What?" Edge spun around and fell over. "9999! Zzzzz."

"Worst ninja ever," she muttered, summoning Bahamut as soon as she got outside the castle.

\- 0 – 0 –

 _The Feymarch, a mysterious amount of time later_

"Rydia!" Fqhwgz ran up and did not give her a hug like he should have done. He was noticeably larger now. He gave her a shy smile. "You've been away for a long time."

Rydia leaned down and hugged him anyway. "I know. And I only spent five minutes at the wedding."

"It hardly seems worth it, huh?"

"Yes." Rydia pursed her lips. "I think I'll stay down here for a while."

Fqhwgz buried his face into her shoulder. "Good."

"Just for a while," said Rydia.

\- 0 – 0 -

 _In Baron, seventeen years later_

"We haven't seen Rydia in a long time," Rosa noticed.

"Oh yeah," said Cecil.

"Who's Rydia?" asked Ceodore, their slightly imbecilic teenaged son. "Is she the magical girl from Mysidia?"

"No, she's the magical girl from Mist," said Rosa. "One of our closest friends from the war. Please try to remember."

"I only remember the stories about Uncle Kain."

Cecil groaned inwardly. "Never mind 'Uncle Kain.' Rydia is the last summoner in the world. She's pretty unforgettable."

"What does she look like again?"

At that moment a mysterious green-haired summoner girl appeared in the sky.

"Just like that," said Cecil, right before the world went to hell.

\- 0 – 0 -

 _Eblan Castle, two weeks later_

"Hi," said Rydia.

"Hi," said Edge. "You look pretty good for an old lady."

"Thanks," said Rydia. "You look pretty good for an old man."

"It's the grey hair, isn't it?"

"I'm joking. You're only thirty-something, right? Still a baby, Edge."

"You totally want me, don't ya?"

"Are you calling me a cradle snatcher?"

Meanwhile the castle was burning furiously around them.

"I guess we should take care of that, huh?" Rydia pointed at the inferno.

"I guess we should. This _is_ where I store all my stuff."

Rydia smiled, crow's feet crinkling around her eyes. "Well, let's kick some ass, baby."

"Let's kick some ass, old lady."

And together they kicked some ass.

(Mainly Rydia did.)

\- End -

Author's notes:

Rydia and Edge can kick ass together using band attacks!

Fqhwgz the goblin is named after the character fhqwhgads from the comedy website Homestar Runner.

The spoon joke probably only makes sense if you have played certain versions of FFIV. In some versions the strongest throwing item for Edge is the Knife, and in other versions it's called the Spoon. I like the Spoon better. Either way you get it from Yang's wife.


End file.
